I drove past a local church sign last night which asked, “Do you listen as well as you hear?” A good question and clearly answered the next day, when my four-year old yelled in his most aggrieved voice, “You’re not listening to me!”  Oooops! And so following that incident, I  decided that I would give myself over to 24 hours of good, unadulterated listening. Listening that would go undistracted by the hands of time and the mutterings of my subconscious to “get going there’s a thousand things to do.”

As that day of focused listening unfolded, I noticed how many people conversed with me and in what circumstances. I listened to people at the gym, outside of the school, in the hair salon. People chatted at the cash-register, in line at the bank and curbside – it seemed that everyone was eager to share and the stories were as varied as their tellers.

And so I heard the tale of the miraculous blossoming of flowers overnight around a baby’s gravestone, of a young man’s 26 year old brain tumor that had miraculously disappeared this past November, of how the winning of a magazine competition opened the door to a career in television. I heard about the frustration of a lady who got stranded at work, the concern of a mum whose toddler was bucked from a horse, and the comedy of a chef’s Great Dane that decided to land one on the neighbor’s black lab’. I listened to a tale of sudden job loss, the heartbreak of a broken relationship and the hopelessness of a young mum who had been made homeless and of course, I listened to the multiple stories of what did and didn’t transpire during my children’s day at school.

What I realized during my listening marathon was that the need to talk is strong in people. Through talking we share, we connect and as any existentialist will tell you, the feeling of connection, bonding or unity that is created with another person, is especially provocative because without it, we can feel so isolated and alone.  Sharing our story with another allows for emotional cleansing. When we allow that which is bubbling on the inside, to find its way outside, it offers a release that is almost cathartic at times, which is why even the most innocuous of tales (the photocopier that broke, the boss who was unfriendly, the amount of work we have on our plates) still need to be told and listened to, rather than dismissed as ‘just offloading’ at the end of another day.

Moreover, I also realized that the more focused and purposeful my listening grew, the easier it was for each speaker to get to the heart of their story. The fact is, when someone stands and truly listens, a space is created between the speaker and listener which allows for connection and which seems to hold a divine energy all of its own. To allow someone to emote, to share their story, to share their feelings, is an act of love and, as we all know, love is healing and that is magical. When you give up your time to truly listen to another, you honor them, you gift them with a gracious act of giving and if you are lucky, you’ll receive something back – a pearl of wisdom, a smile, friendship.

Of course, someone with outstanding listening skills, will employ a plethora of cues whilst they listen. Nodding, smiling, probing, paraphrasing are powerful tools of good listening, and of course the golden nugget is empathy. When a listener empathizes, they put themselves in the shoes of the story-teller – “that sounds fantastic, you must have been delighted ,” “Yes! I was thrilled!” and that is when true connection is made. For in that moment, when you are exactly on the same page as the story-teller, you show complete understanding of their situation and that can bring so much relief – a “you get me!” moment  - that it can leave the story-teller feeling at one with you, and at one with the world. At base, when we truly empathize with a person, when we ‘get them’ we are as listeners validating the other person and validation means credence and respect. That’s powerful stuff – and it doesn’t cost us a penny.

I often think how valuable it would be if our schools taught lessons on the art of listening and gave listening skills the same value that we afford to oratory. Not enough emphasis is placed on the role of listening as opposed to the skill of speaking  in our culture (compare the noise of the western world with the quiet of the east) yet so much joy can be gained, so much learning undertaken, so much healing can derive from the act of sitting and listening. As Sue Patton Thoele says, “Deep listening is miraculous for both listener and speaker. When someone receives us with open-hearted, non-judging, intensely interested listening, our spirits expand.”

So, when you find yourself cornered at the gym, or at the school, or whilst waiting in line at the cash register in Rainbow Foods, don’t gaze at your watch or reply with a quick grunt and turn your head, take a moment to look the speaker in the eye, smile, nod, engage and watch them literally transform in front of you as they tell their story, and you graciously listen. Oh, and by the way, I’ll bet my last buck that you’re bound to learn something extra interesting, today! Happy listening…

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